Fighting with your partner doesn't have to be bad. But it can turn bad fast.
You know what I mean. What started with one of you being angry with the other for forgetting to feed the dog somehow turns into a "you never care about our family's needs" or "you always forget the important stuff" fight.
By the end, neither of you knows what the fight was about or even what you said. Sound familiar?
There are usually a couple of culprits. You're likely either in a "Fight or Flight" state, which is the animal part of your brain telling you to kill or be killed. Or you're likely being reminded of a childhood wound, something your parents did or did not do for you.
But the end result is always the same. Your fight "blows up," and your partner becomes the enemy. You hurt one another, and you're not even sure why.
You're not alone. That's why today we're talking about why we fight and how to fight better.
How do I know if I'm getting "stuck" in a fight?
Getting "stuck" in a fight, means you're consistently fighting in a non-productive and deeply hurtful way. It might look like:
Your fights often blow up and become really dramatic and intense
You're fighting from a place of childhood pain – "I'm not lovable" "I'll never be enough" "it will never be my turn" "It's not fair" etc.
You don't remember what you said or did during arguments, you feel far away and disassociated (also called "freeze")
You stop seeing your partner as your partner, they become the enemy
It feels like your partner is suddenly much bigger or more powerful than you are
The fight becomes about "always" and "never"
Or, "You're never there" or "You always do that"
Threats are made, "I don't know if we can be a couple anymore if you keep doing that"
When fights become over-the-top like this, they're not good fights.
It's become something much bigger. Spiraling into something like "I'm not lovable" means we've pinged a childhood wound. We've dissociated and given all our power away.
We think we're fighting for our relationship, but we're really not. We're not even fighting about the real reasons we're upset.
The good news is, we don't have to stay "stuck" in a bad-fights pattern.
What to do when you’re stuck in a fight
Almost always, what we're really saying in the midst of "you never, "you always," and "no one loves me" is: "Help me, it feels like you're not on my side."
We're upset because we feel unloved. What we really want to know is do you love me? Are you committed to me? Are you there for me?
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy recommends that before you have a fight you say:
I love you, I'm committed to this relationship, and I'm not going anywhere.
(See his TED talk Relationships Are Hard, But Why? here.) When we reassure each other like this we help calm both our nervous systems. We get out of the "fight or flight" the kill or be killed mentality, and we get out of our past pain, allowing us to focus on the here and now. And to see our partner, as our partner, not the enemy.
Key takeaways
Slow down, don't escalate, and take a moment to see what's really going on
Remember that your partner loves you, has chosen you, and is with you right now
Choose to become a little bit more vulnerable to get to your truths like: "Stop, that hurts." "No, that's not my story, can I tell you my real story?”
You don't have to be completely calm but try to go slow so you can own your own power and recognize that your partner is on your side
Remember, beneath any fight, what we're always really asking is: do you love me? Are you committed to me? Are you there for me?
Let's stop fighting dirty. For our partner's sake and our own.
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